CU Amiga Super CD-ROM 24/CU Amiga Magazine's Super CD-ROM 24 (1998)(EMAP Images)(GB)(Track 1 of 2)[!][issue 1998-07].iso/CUCD/Utilities/afortune/27.frt/27.frt

Text File | 1979-12-31 | 24KB | 628 lines

¤
Weinberg's Principle:
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
¤
Weinberg's Second Law:
        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
        civilization.
¤
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
¤
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
                -- Dean McLaughlin.
¤
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a
governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.  These men
will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
the entire show without answering a single question ...
                -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
¤
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
                -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
¤
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*
you believe?!"
                -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
¤
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
        And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
        Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
        But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
                -- Core Dumped Blues
¤
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"

"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
                -- Dr. Who
¤
Westheimer's Discovery:
        A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
        couple of hours in the library.
¤
Wethern's Law:
        Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
¤
"What are we going to do?"

"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking for
something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
short initiation period."
¤
"What are you doing?"

"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
initiation period."
¤
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
¤
        "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
teenager asked her mother.
        "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
¤
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
¤
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
¤
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
¤
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
¤
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
entrance?
¤
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
¤
What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our
dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
if you get my drift.  Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
                -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
¤
What I tell you three times is true.
¤
"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
parties.
                -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
¤
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
¤
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
¤
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
¤
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
                -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
¤
What is mind?  No matter.
What is matter?  Never mind.
                -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
¤
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
¤
"What is the Nature of God?"

    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
    1 QT. SOUR CREAM
    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
    1/2 CUT CHIVES.
    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.

"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
                -- Bloom County
¤
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
                -- Bertold Brecht
¤
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
¤
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
¤
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
                -- Susan Gordon
¤
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
                -- Ursula K. LeGuin
¤
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
¤
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
¤
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
¤
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
bagel.
¤
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
¤
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
¤
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
¤
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
¤
What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
¤
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
                -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
¤
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
                -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
¤
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
¤
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
                -- Steven Wright
¤
        "What's that thing?"
        "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
                -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
¤
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
                -- The Doctor
¤
Whatever became of eternal truth?
¤
Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for
cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
as far as they will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
hundred dollar bills."
                -- Herb Caen
¤
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not
nailed down.
                -- Collis P. Huntingdon
¤
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
cockroaches!"
                -- Mom
¤
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.
                -- Robespierre
¤
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
thing," it's the money.
                -- Kim Hubbard
¤
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
loop?
¤
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
                -- Robert Heinlein
¤
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
                -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
                   Maintenance"
¤
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
¤
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
                -- Reuben Flagg
¤
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
                -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
¤
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.
¤
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.
¤
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving."
                -- Steven Wright
¤
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
¤
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
¤
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
                -- Clarence Darrow
¤
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
and get you."
                -- Jerry Lewis
¤
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
                -- Steven Wright
¤
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
                -- Woody Allen
¤
When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
                -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
¤
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
                -- Mark Twain
¤
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
¤
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
                -- Mark Twain
¤
When in doubt, use brute force.
                -- Ken Thompson
¤
When in panic, fear and doubt,
Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
¤
When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
                -- Laurie Anderson
¤
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
¤
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
results.
                -- Calvin Coolidge
¤
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
and I find I mind it less and less."
                -- Louise Andrews Kent
¤
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
                -- Daniel B. Luten
¤
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
¤
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
                -- Jon Carroll
¤
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
¤
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
¤
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
                -- Voltaire
¤
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
¤
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
                -- Donald Douglas
¤
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
                -- George Bernard Shaw
¤
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.
                -- Thomas Paine
¤
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
except our fingertips will have been singed.
                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
¤
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
swayed, directly to the goal.
                -- Amrom Katz
¤
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
¤
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
¤
        When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
        In a way, the next move is up to him.
                -- R. A. Lafferty
¤
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
                -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
¤
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
¤
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
                -- The Wall Street Journal
¤
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
¤
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
                -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
¤
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
¤
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
                -- Dave Parnas
¤
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
                -- A. Lincoln
¤
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
                --Oscar Wilde
¤
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
                -- Mark Twain
                   "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
¤
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
                -- Mark Twain
¤
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        When it's converted to energy?
        There is a slight loss of parity.
        Johnny's so long at the fair.
¤
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
¤
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
¤
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
¤
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.
¤
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
                -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
                   November 26, 1792
¤
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
¤
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
                -- Edward Stevenson
¤
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
¤
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
position.
¤
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
¤
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
¤
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
¤
Whistler's Law:
        You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
        charge.
¤
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
¤
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
                -- A. E. Housman
¤
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
¤
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
¤
Who's on first?
¤
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
                -- George Ade
¤
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
¤
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
¤
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
                -- Ian Shoales
¤
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
                -- Bertold Brecht
¤
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
have?
¤
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
¤
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
¤
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
¤
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
¤
Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
¤
Why don't elephants eat penguins ?

Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
¤
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but ...
        -- I have to floss my cat.
        -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
        -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
        -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
        -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
        -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
        -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
        -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
        -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
        -- I have some really hard words to look up.
        -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
        -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
¤
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
                -- Mark Twain
¤
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
¤
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
                -- Lily Tomlin
¤
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"
                -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
¤
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
children open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:    "A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
        falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"

Son:    "Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
        with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
        and I get this cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You:    "It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
¤
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
                -- Oscar Wilde
¤
Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
        No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
                -- John L.  Shelton
¤
Wiker's Law:
        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
¤